Karen and I just finished a six-week small group based on the book, The Love Dare. We cleverly called the group “The Love Dare Group.” Sometimes it is just hard for us to contain all this creativity.

Anyway, we really enjoyed spending a couple of hours each Sunday night with this group of married couples. Each week we would discuss some aspect of the material that we had all (at least in theory) read during the week, and also bring in some other materials designed to encourage strong marriages. All of this led to a lot of time thinking about the various marriages, both good and bad, that we have known through the years. Having been in full-time ministry for nearly 21 years now, we have peeked behind the scenes of a lot of relationships. We have seen the good the bad and the ugly, and there are some things that have just stood out as key elements in strong and lasting marriages. Here are a few things we have noticed:

In so many cases, the difference between a strong and lasting marriage, and one that implodes, can be summarized in one word – priorities. The couples with good marriages consistently prioritized their marriage above everything but their personal relationship with Christ. That meant that if something, anything, else was taking too much time, or focus, or in some way eating away at the relationship, they got rid of the other thing.

These couples would change jobs if the job was going to cause them to be separated for too long. They often chose hobbies and recreation that both of them enjoyed so they could have that time together. They were very, very careful about outside relationships. They guarded themselves against any relationship with the opposite sex that could become too close, and they just didn’t hang out with people that were trying to put ungodly/unbiblical, ideas about marriage, or anything else, into their heads – they chose their friends wisely.

Most of these couples had children, and although the raising of their children was one of their top priorities, (most of these kids are now adults who are married and walking with God) they were very careful not to create child-centered homes. In other words, they always made some time for just Mom and Dad to be alone together. This more than anything else, demonstrated to their kids how important their parent’s relationship was. These kids knew without a doubt that they were loved, but they also knew that the marriage relationship was the central relationship of the home. I think that knowledge is what made so many of these kids so secure in themselves.

In every case, these couples prioritized their relationship with a local church. In fact, one middle-aged couple I know told me recently that if they had to think of just one thing that made their marriage and child rearing so successful, it would be their 20 years of simple, steady, participation in a good local church. They just went every Sunday and every Tuesday night, week after week, year after year. The presence of God, the steady teaching of His Word, and the influence of other believers, brought unshakable strength to their lives.

Good marriages are not rocket science, they are not a matter of luck, and they are not just the result of finding that perfect mate who will never irritate you. Healthy marriages are the result of the steady application good, Godly, common sense principles. So I encourage you, whether you are currently married or not, build strong foundations in your life, and be intentional about building and protecting your marriage.